The Cold War
by Sunni
Summary: Spoilers for Season 10 Carter and Abby's feelings boil to the surface. Standalone with the potential for continuation.


Title: The Cold War 

Disclaimer: I have never, nor will I ever, own ER. That wealth belongs to Warner Brothers and the good folks we like to call The Powers That Be. Copyright infringement? What copyright infringement? No Officer, we're just having some good clean fun. 

Spoilers: Season 10 is fair game. Don't believe me? Check it out. 

Summary: Abby and Carter's feelings boil to the surface. 

Notes: So I have this wish list of sorts… Things I'd like to see happen on the show this season. This is one of them. Play your cards right, you might get to learn the rest. 

Thanks to Andrea for giving me the nudge… er, shove to get this started. I hope you at least deem this one review worthy. Equal nods go to KenzieGal for being a fantastic sounding board and for putting up with my whining and excuses. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. And of course, who can forget the cute little bug that never fails to light up my day. Just knowing you worship the ground I walk on is enough to make the struggle worth it. 

And for the rest of you… I know it's been awhile, but let me know what you think. Leave a review! 

Enjoy!

She found him on the rooftop, his dark, rigid silhouette a grim contrast to the dazzling nighttime skyline. Pulling her coat tighter around her, she squared herself to the harsh, dampened wind, finally resting herself several feet behind him. He hardly knew she was there, or if he did, he made no mention of it. Biting her bottom lip, she glanced nervously around the rooftop before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. 

She opened her eyes to spy him peering over his shoulder at his visitor. He smiled only partly, briefly and turned back towards the city. 

"It's cold out here." She tread the remaining paces cautiously, slowly, mimicking his stance beside him. She tipped her head in his direction, studying his profile for a moment. "Too cold." 

__

You know, there's warmer places to be alone.

He shrugged and stared straight ahead. "Doesn't bother me."

She opened her mouth to speak again, but faltered. Pressing her lips together, she sighed. 

"I'm sorry about Thomas."

He shrugged again, this time glancing down at her. She met his gaze, smiling sympathetically. 

But his face was expressionless until he frowned, closed his eyes in thought, and looked away.

"John…" Her voice was quiet, almost afraid. 

"It happens." He blinked once, twice and cleared his throat. "He was your patient, too." 

She bowed her head silently, nodding. "But you worked really hard on him." 

__

Today was the first day I saw an old person die, and I guess I'm not used to it.

"We all did," he retracted for her, eager to separate himself from the event. "We all did." 

"Still…" She raised her head to look at him again. 

The bad news is, you never get used to it. The good news is you never get used to it. 

Taking a deep breath, she tried a different approach. 

"Susan told me you were going to cover the rest of her shift." 

"She's not feeling well."

"Yeah." She paused – waiting – then rolled her eyes. "Weren't you here when I came in this morning?"

Shrug. "Probably."

She smirked knowingly. "And when I left last night?" 

He groaned with frustration, throwing his hands up in the air. "What is this?" He turned, glaring at her. "Why the interrogation?"

She recoiled at his outburst, allowing him to settle before responding calmly. "I'm just worried that you're working too hard. That's all." 

He raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "You're worried?" He shook his head and focused his attention back on the city skyline, laughing bitterly into the night air.

She frowned. "What, is that so hard to believe?"

He shook his head again, but said nothing.

She watched him silently for several seconds before nodding. Pivoting on her heel, she set off back towards where she came, her head a blur of thoughts, her heart a mix of emotions. Anger, disappointment, confusion. How dare he?

__

You may have come up here to be alone, but you're not. 

His voice halted her with her hand on the knob to the stairwell. 

"Abby, wait. I'm sorry." 

She set her jaw and steeled herself, turning around. His eyes flashed regret, but that was it. She shook her head.

"Are you trying to prove yourself?" 

He frowned. "What?"

She sighed. "Ever since… Ever since you came back, it's like you've got some sort of hidden agenda … some sort of ulterior motive. You're not – you don't practice the same." 

He looked at the ground, then upwards, at something above her head. "I'm not the same." 

She tipped her head to the side. "I've noticed. We've all noticed."

His gaze snapped to meet hers in a flicker of panic. "All?"

She bobbed her head slowly. "Susan, Luka, Chen, Pratt, Gallant…"

He considered her statement, then scoffed lightly. "Well then."

"Well then what?" 

"It's nice to know you still pay attention."

She shook her head with disapproval. "Uh, wait. What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Seems you all did pretty well without me…" He kicked the ground with a pout. 

She smiled. "We managed. Doesn't mean we didn't miss you."

He looked at her expectantly. "Did you? Miss me?"

She raised her arms from her sides. "What kind of question is that?"

He shrugged. "You tell me. I come back and you're this… Totally different person. And I wonder - "

She narrowed her gaze at his words, cutting him off bluntly. "Totally different." 

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't."

He rolled his head towards the sky. "Come on, Abby! You're in med school!"

"I was in med school four years ago. It was always an option."

"And you're…"

She raised her eyebrows. "I'm what?" 

He hesitated. "… Happy." 

"You mean, happy without you." She saw his eyes widen, affirming the implication. She shook her head once, sharply. "You really think so?"

"Well… It's been hard to convince myself otherwise."

"I see." She shook her head and laughed. "Wow."

He frowned. "What?"

"It's amazing how much this time apart has affected us." She lowered her gaze to the ground. "We used to be able to read each other better than this." 

"Abby…"

She raised her head and sighed again. "You know I came up here because I thought you needed a friend. Now I realize that isn't it. That hasn't been it for awhile now, has it? Wow, I completely missed that one." 

"Abby, don't…" 

A hand went up to stop him. "You're wondering if I went back to med school to forget about you, is that it?"

"Well, umm…" His eyes flickered around nervously. 

"Mmhm. I see. I think the answer might surprise you." She paused momentarily, waiting for an indication from him to continue. In response, he raised his eyebrows and tipped his head in interest.

"Yes. Yes, I did go back to med school because I wanted to throw myself into something new... old... whatever. At least, that's part of the reason. I wanted a distraction so that I wouldn't have to think about you, or all the thousands of horrible things that could have... happened to you in that jungle." She broke for a breath, then added somberly, "Luka could have died there."

"But he didn't."

"That's right. You saved him. And I'm sure he's grateful for that."

"I guess." 

"He is." She gave a weak smile, then bit her bottom lip. "But that's not the point, is it?" 

"It never was."

"Well, at least I know that much, huh?" She smirked cockily before continuing. "I mean, if that's all it had been about, you would have come back with him. But you stayed." 

He sighed. "Yes. I told you all that." 

"No, you didn't. You sent your messenger, Gillian, to tell me."

He paused for several moments, closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair then down the side of his face before opening them again. "You're mad. About the letter."

She sighed. "No, I'm not mad about the letter. I'm just... disappointed, that's all. It's not like it was something I was expecting. Especially from you." 

"What were you expecting, then?"

She shrugged. "I don't know... It was just so... impersonal. Sterile. Cliche."

He scowled. "Ouch. Thanks a lot." 

"You're welcome. I meant it."

"Embittered, thy name is Abigail."

She glared at him. "Shut up, you know exactly what I'm saying, here." 

"Not really."

"Well then, I guess we're even." 

"I guess we are." He spat, coupling his words with a stare that lasted several seconds before she finally shook her head silently, and suddenly she was walking again, towards the stairwell.

__

So you're just going to walk away?

She was halfway there when she felt the first drops of the icy downpour. In the distance, a low rumbling rolled through her thoughts. Thunder? It was the middle of February. Perhaps it was an approaching chopper. Perhaps it was just the pounding of her heart in her head.

And somewhere between him and her intended destination, she'd stopped moving. She looked down at her feet, frozen in place as the rain began to fall harder. Another low rumble. No, not now. 

__

I can't keep doing this!

"Abby…" He called out, and she wasn't sure if it was concern or annoyance she detected in his voice. 

She raised a hand palm up into the air, watching the raindrops pool there. Closing her eyes, she chewed her lip, fighting back a shiver.

"That was low, Carter." She turned around to face him. "That was a really lame and cowardly thing to do. I never pegged you for such a pansy."

His gaze narrowed. "What the..."

She stomped her foot, balling her hands into fists of frustration at having been caught by him with her walls up once again. "Okay, so I lied! I am mad. I'm furious, in fact. I've never been so hurt in my life. At least, not by you." She tilted her face up to the sky, letting the rain cool her angry cheeks. "The idea that you cared so little to even think about ending it like that. That I..." She lowered her gaze. "…That what we had wasn't worth just a little bit more. It's sad, really. To think that you wasted all that time with me, on something that meant so little to you...."

"And you." His response was simple, yet biting, his face hard, unmoved.

Jumping slightly at another rumble of thunder, she bit back her surprise in favor of a veil of rancor. "Oh, and I suppose you want me to take all the blame for everything that went wrong last year." She crossed her arms over her chest and eyed him in a challenge. Drenched and chilled to the bone, she hardly noticed she was shaking.

"It is what you do best." He stated smartly as he stood tall in front of her, an air of smug pride wafting between them. 

She glared at him for several seconds before shaking her head, her laughter cutting through her. "Son of a bitch." She turned and walked away for the third time that night.

"Go to hell, Carter."

"Already been there." 

"Go back, then!" She shouted.

"I might!"

She froze in mid-stride has his words hit her, and she pivoted towards him once more. "You're going back?" 

He shrugged and looked away. "I haven't decided yet." He met her gaze. "Maybe."

Her lips formed a small 'o' before she clamped down on the bottom one. Next came the question she'd been afraid to ask for days. Maybe she wasn't so bad at reading him, after all. "Are you… leaving County?" 

He sighed. "If it comes to that."

She looked at the ground. "I see." Raising her head, she gazed through the rain and into the distance, seemingly searching for something to add. Thunder rolled again, and she suddenly became aware of how wet and cold she was, how much she was trembling, and how close she was to tears. 

"Well, then." She nodded lightly and shifted her gaze upon him one more time. She drew in a shaky breath and attempted to put on a smile. "I guess that's it."

He looked at her in disbelief. "That's it?"

She shrugged, lifting her hands into the air. "What else do you want me to say? Good luck? Goodbye? Be careful? What about… don't go because…" She drifted off, closing her eyes and shaking her head. "I can't be the one to do this. I can't… keep you here. If it's not what you really want." 

"What if it is what I really want?"

She opened her eyes, allowing a few tears to escape and mingle with the raindrops. "Is it?" 

He took a few hesitant steps towards her, reaching out. "Abby…"

She shook her head fiercely and backed away. "No, Carter. Never mind. I don't think I want to know the answer."

"But, I…"

She put a hand up to stop him. "No! If you're going to go, just… go." She summoned the courage to look at him one last time. He was still, his eyes transfixed on her, pained. 

She sighed. "Fine, then. _I'll_ go." She turned around slowly and took a couple small steps in the other direction before glancing over her shoulder. 

"I'm sorry, John. Really." She quickened her pace then, hoping she'd make it inside before she broke down completely. 

"Because what?" 

She paused a foot away from the door, but didn't bother turning around. She couldn't look at him again. "What?" 

He wagered a few long strides to catch up with her. "Good luck, goodbye, be careful. Don't go because…?" 

She closed her eyes at the sensation of his proximity. "John, please…"

"No, Abby. Tell me. What is it?"

"I love you," she choked, quietly, as another rumble of thunder passed over them. She knew he hadn't heard her. 

His hand grasped her shoulder. "Abby?"

"I **love **you, okay!?! Don't go because I love you." She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to continue, but the sob beat the words to the surface. "Damnit!" She cried, thrusting the palms of her hands against her eyes.

His arms were around her instantly, his hands rubbing her back as she sobbed a few more times. He pulled her closer, resting his chin atop her head as she buried her face in his jacket. "Shh…" he whispered softly. "It's okay." 

She shook her head and pulled away, sniffing back her tears. "You know very well it's not okay."

He took in her anguished, yet stable expression and swallowed, nodding. "I know." 

"I love you, and you left me."

"I know." 

"You left me, and I spent two weeks scared out of my mind that something unimaginable was happening to you. That I would never see you again."

He gripped her shoulder once more, giving it a squeeze. "But I came back."

"You did. And I threw you out. I punished you. I punished myself."

"You were angry." 

She lowered her gaze to the ground. "We both were. We were confused… lost." 

"We screwed up." He half-smiled at his attempt at a joke. 

"Big time." She sighed. "But the thing that hurts the most is knowing that you'd gone… back… without ever knowing… Without knowing how much I loved you. And that, in the months since you've been back, you haven't known how much I **still** love you." She looked up and into his eyes. 

He reached out, cupping her cheek. She leaned into his touch, covering his hand with hers and closing her eyes. 

"I love you, John." She repeated quietly, awestruck by how easy it was to say those words over and over now. 

"I know." 

"No, I don't think you do. At least, not in the way I want you to know."

He took a deep breath. "Abby, I…"

She opened her eyes when she heard him drift off. "What is it?" 

He sighed. "I don't… I don't know if I can go back. To the way it was before."

She stared up at him for several moments and smiled. Reaching out, she took one of his hands and squeezed it. 

"Me neither."

He bowed his head and closed his eyes, bringing her hand up to his face, kissing it gently. "I'm sorry." 

She watched his movements intently. "Me too." 

He pulled his head upwards, dropping her hand in favor of wrapping his arms around her shoulders. She willingly moved into his embrace, snaking her arms around his torso. She sighed and put her head to his chest, closing her eyes, willing herself to concentrate on the slow, steady beating of his heart.

"It's stopped raining." He stated as his chin found its perch atop her wet, matted hair. 

She smiled against him. "Yeah."

"We should probably go inside." 

"Don't make me let go."

Carter smiled and stroked her back lightly as they rested in each other's arms a little longer. "It's cold. Aren't you cold?"

Abby pulled back and tilted her head upwards to meet his eyes, letting the silence linger for a few more moments. She bit her lip as one last tear rolled down her cheek. 

"Not anymore."

***

The beginning of the end or the end of the beginning? You say! 


End file.
